Let me start by saying, I'm flawed. Plain and simply, I am. It's taken me 3 days just to get this started! I am in need of some organization to my thoughts, some therapeutic typing, even if no one is reading.....
The one and only reason that I haven't failed completely in life is by God's grace! GOD has my children, GOD has my marriage, if I don't give it to Him, I'm done for!
There is so much going on right now, I feel paralyzed, once again, I have to hand it over to God. We are mid-renovation and even though Teal had taken a week off of work to get some stuff done, there is still SO much. I am a terrible house keeper normally, and now with no gas (which means no stove although I have an electric oven and no dryer), no working bathroom sink, floors half torn up, a fridge in my living room, and a pile of tools in the kitchen, I don't even know where to begin!!! Not to mention, we are tight on funds so I have 3 different pieces of project furniture in my living room all being worked on.
All the while, the two "big kids" have their adjustments and of course the baby is, well, a baby. I have decided to pull Gabriel out of school for the remainder of the year because of his attachment issues, with the hopes of putting him back in public school in the fall. I have found that there is an ebb and flow with the kids, at times it feels like nothing but discipline all day and at others it's how "normal" life "should" be. Gabe is in currently in the ebb..... or flow? I know that I am strict, and I know that that causes more stress on me but I can't see us functioning any other way. Every time I lay back on the rules a bit and we have some fun, we have a big blow up! With his issues, his teacher is his relief from me, he likes to get hugs and cuddles from her, he constantly calls me her name when he tells me he loves me (which means that he's saying it all day to her). We need some intense family time without another authority figure to confuse him. I need the time to be the disciplinarian and the fun mommy. I get that with Alex because she knows the rules, the expectations, we spent all day everyday together for 5 years (minus a weekend trip and a 4 day conference without her) Gabe is still figuring all that out and it's interrupted by the 9 hours he's gone everyday.
Also we are going to be buying my mother in law's property which is going to be awesome and the work will be fun, but work. 6 1/2 acres of fun work :) That may sound sarcastic but it's not, I want to be there now. Building fences, playing by the stream, walking in the woods, gardening.
My mind keeps going back to the 5 kids waiting in an orphanage....... I can't bring them home here, they wouldn't fit! No amount of bunkbeds would make that possible. They are my main driving force behind dealing with this renovation and they are considered in every idea and decision around here. We need more space and more money. Ahhhhh to win the lottery...
For now, it's back to work on the never ending pile of dishes, laundry, and somewhere in there, my sanity.....
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